You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
nobody’s gonna understand
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
💀 😭
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!