Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

It’s on my to-do list.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.