You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
How your email finds me
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Spell check is for lasers.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
