Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.