You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.