Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

I can fix him.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.