You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
same bro
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
🌱🌱🌱
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?