You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Human are so complicated
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
💀😭
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.