You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.