You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m not proud
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.