You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.