Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*