You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
kids play hide and seek like
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.