You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.