You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
You Might Also Like
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.