You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer