You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why is this me 😫
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something