You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Holy shit he’s back
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The Friday File.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.