You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Xylophonist Shredding It
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.