You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE