You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?