Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?