You canât make this shit up đ©
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I think this should do it.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they donât come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says itâs part of my history.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: HmmâŠpass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good â
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
âWhat happened to me?!â
Snow Doctor: Donât worry youâre fine. But⊠what did you think a snow blower did?
Boss: if you donât know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isnât a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Donât eat sugar, donât drink alcohol, donât eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exerciseâŠ.
And youâll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
My grandparentsâ generation was so committed to vacation photos theyâd flip their goddamn car and it would still be like âMarge, get in here.â
A fellow mom was talking about how another schoolâs spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said âThey could have given our kids 2 more daysâ and Iâm always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Itâs October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
âThereâs more than one way, to skin a cat.â
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
âOh I love that movie, the wayâ *starts to sweat* âAll those stars are at war with each otherâ
âcaramelizedâ is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
They say youâll never forget your first kiss, but what they donât tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. Iâm antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.