You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
decorating my apartment
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless