You canāt make this shit up š©
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You Might Also Like
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Hereās an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me: THATāS IT YOUāRE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: ANDā¦ANDā¦
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually thatās a dadpole
son: iām confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, iām dad
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I think Iām gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that youāre going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My medical alert bracelet says, āYou canāt kill her. Weāve already tried. Like 7 timesā
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I donāt have to hold anyoneās baby at Thanksgiving.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: āFriends! Let me tell you all about Godās son, Esusā
Voice from the crowd: āEsus? But I thought-ā
St Paul: āThe letter āJā doesnāt fall into common usage until the 16th centuryā
St Ohn: āItās trueā
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe youāre cute no one says shit
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that donāt is not the abbreviation for donut
[in court]
Judge: Youāre the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) Iām the prosecutest.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
š
How many people out here using bar soap? I donāt think my kids would even be able to identify it
āCloudy With a Chance of Meatballsā could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Recipes be like youāll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, itās gonna cost $125
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when theyāre bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes āouch hard no for that one?ā And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I donāt carry my wallet to work because Iām afraid someone will steal it while Iām sleeping.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Iām a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, Iām your man.
my wifeās divorce lawyer: why donāt we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I canāt wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I sure didnāt win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: Iām just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: Youāre napping, arenāt you?
Me: Soooo doomed.