Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night