Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

no

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.