Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake