You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.