Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

tell em, edith-anne

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.