Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

If snakes were wide

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.