Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.