You can’t outrun your problems…
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me, reading some of your tweets
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.