Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??