you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
is this a threat
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.