Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Life is a suicide mission.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks