Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

My neck my back my allergy attack

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.