You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
This meal prepping shit easy
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother