i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
pat pat
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.