you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me