you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
dutch is not a serious language
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.