you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.