“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A great first step 😂
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”