“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.