You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Sex so good you see dead people.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
