You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
The news
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.