You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.