You can’t rush stupid.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Not helping
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Monday?
No. Next question.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
