You can’t rush stupid.
You Might Also Like
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Always the camel, never the toe.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.