You can’t rush stupid.
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.