a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”NurseMurderer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3044853347/69f7663f88d6947ff943382bbdf849b0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350420592463319042″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”30″;s:5:”tweet”;s:22:”You can’t rush stupid.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard


AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.


Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death


Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.


If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.


I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.


*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*


HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no


[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan