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@PlainTravis

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@SortaBad

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

@KalvinMacleod

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan