You can’t rush stupid.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.