Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

I wish this was real life…

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

Dyslexics are teople poo!

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.