You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
constantly working on myself.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister