You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
😭😭😭
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
There is no “we” in chocolate.
