You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Haha! 😂
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman