You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”