Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.