You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
🤣
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
sure, why not
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.