You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.