Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

All. The. Damn. Time.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Important

[adds another nod to the conversation]

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017