You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
“I wouldn’t.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Breaking news:
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
This fish is cracking me up
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
