“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
some things should go without saying
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Before & after 😅
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.