“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”