You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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How does one answer this?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.