You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
