Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Pass gas, not judgment.