You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.