You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.