Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

wtf management?!

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition