You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
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when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.