You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.